pandemic

Invoking the Pause - Pandemic Portal

From Control to Emergent Intuition OR Initiation Me to We OR Pause Aversion

The global pause, the days the world stood still, the extent of our interconnectedness, undeniable. The time of pandemic, isolation, giving birth to a shared cry, an outrage, a protest and a holy call – for justice, dignity, life.

Invoking the pause. Stopping the engine of incessant growth, going, doing, striving. Long enough for many of us to take a real honest look at ourselves, patterns, assumptions, individual and collective practices and structures. This time out of time, where the whole world has been given an opportunity for a reset. There is suffering and sacrifice and loss. And space enough for a choice.  We have been on the rat wheel for so long, doing the things to stay afloat in a sea of oppression and capitalism. Some of us have been lucky enough to pursue what we love, and even to make a living, with such endeavors. Mostly as a result of unearned white privilege. In my life, that is certainly the case. I was given the gift of education, and the blessing of family support in other ways as well. I grew up in beautiful Santa Barbara. I come from a lineage that is oriented towards service and generosity. My dad is a psychiatrist and has always worked to alleviate suffering and to bridge the patient/doctor hierarchy gap. My mom worked many years as an attorney in land use and development in our local government, with an eye for fairness, equity and the common good.

Victor Frankl, Austrian neurologist and psychologist who spent years in a holocaust concentration death camp, and wrote the well-known, Man and the Meaning of Life, has a simple and provocative saying: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

 What if we look at the current situation with the pandemic, and the consequent changes in our systems, and routines, as this space. We don’t need much, just a moment, to pause, take some deep breaths, reconnect with our selves. So many, if not most of us, have been imprinted with trauma, a fight, fight freeze response, that has us often reacting to situations, as threats to our very survival. Whether or not the threat is real or perceived, the body reacts in the same way. This self-protective conditioned instinct was a viable strategy at one point in our lives, and if we are out of imminent danger now in the present moment, it is a hold over response in our psycho-bio-immunological systems. We cannot simultaneously be in a fear shut down defensive response and an open, collaborative, creative response. It is one or the other.

So this time of pause, essentially allows us, at least some of us, more of a chance to remember our power to choose. To step out of reaction. It is a choice point. There are many possible paths ahead, including the one we have been on as a species, headed toward destruction and annihilation of our precious world including our human relatives, particularly people of color. It is an opportunity to reflect deeply and see what kind of world we want to choose and create. We have the power, we are made of this earth. Our cells carry and contain billions of years of intelligence and creativity. We have never lived on this earth connected to our true inheritance.

Years ago, in a workshop with educator and activist Joanna Macy, I called a group break-out meeting for folks interested in Exploring a Beautiful Future. One of the participants asked me to clarify why I choose the word beautiful, out of all the potential descriptive words available. I had not given it a lot of thought at the time, it just felt right I said. There is something about our relationship to beauty, as an essential part of what it means to be human, as an essential aspect of this existence. We live within a beautiful natural living earth embedded within a beautiful natural living universe, or multiverse. We can enrich the overwhelming, exquisite beauty of this planet earth, with our own. We have the gift and capacity to make beauty. Martin Prechtel, writer, rogue wild orator of praise, teacher, modern shaman, speaks about humans as the beings who with an opposable thumb, and an ability to recognize the gift of this life, the generosity of this earth, the beauty of the cosmos, are made to make beauty to give back to the other world, the holy, the mystery. We can never completely repay the debt of how much life has given us, but we can dedicate our lives to feed what gives us life, with beauty. The debt is actually not meant to be repaid. There is a holy humility in that. A humility that has been forgotten in the modern world. We can never repay it, we are never done, and therefore, not off the hook, complete as separate entities. We are always tied in mutuality. With humans that think we are the masters, who can control everything -  get to the moon, create incredible technology, hold back the tides. The President of the USA was quoted earlier this year as saying the power invested in the president is “total control” The powers that be, in the fires that have moved through much of our forests, the floods and droughts covering our planet, and communities, teach us otherwise.

And now this. This tiny virus, with the power to bring our systems to a halt. A HALT. Makes me think of the acronym used in recovery. When you are in a reactive stance, take a moment to self reflect to see if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. If so, you have the power to make a change and meet some of those needs. We need awareness first, so that we can see the situation clearly. Then we have the power to act, rather than react. Many of us are hungry, angry, lonely and tired. The system is designed this way, so that the majority are run to the ground to serve and elevate the few, who continue to accrue monetary wealth. This is a game gone awry. King of the mountain. A game that serves the I and the ego.

With trauma, it is very difficult to perceive both self and other. We tend to either over focus on the external as a locus of control and safety, care taking others, worrying about what they think of us, making sure they are appeased so as not to rock the boat, or we are self absorbed – either in shame, not knowing our own worth, or in grandiose thinking about our status and self interest. The vulnerability required to both feel into our self and another as well as the place in between requires a presence that most of us have not learned, or more accurately, we have not un-learned enough of our mind set to be able to rest in this place of presence as our natural state. Presence is at the heart of our power and interconnectedness. We have limited our distractions now. Habitual patterns of relating to self and other are likely making themselves revealed, amplified in the simplicity of being at home. If we have a home, that is.

So beauty, opens our heart. Softens something. Connects us to our humanity.

What are we going to choose as our collective future? What are we going to metaphorically center. Have at the center of our community circle, in our commons? The welfare of our children? The health of our water? Of our oceans and forests? Our health? The field of ecopsychology looks at the relationship between an indivuduals health and the health of the whole ecosystem of which we are a part, understanding that our health depends upon the health of the whole. Right now, the health of the whole, has been sorely neglected and outright exploited.

So we can continue on the path we have been on. Getting for the few, corporations at the center, progress and technology at the center, with earth, animals, people of color, women, LGBTQ, at the margins. Or begin to recognize what has been lost as a result, grieve this, and then reorient to a new path. We have to believe we have the power to choose. We have to know this to be true. We have to remember in our bones that we come from this earth, are this earth. We do not have to know how this can happen. We can’t know how. We do not have to know the way, we only have to choose moment by moment the possibility of something that opens us to more beauty, connectedness, love, and care. There are solutions out there, there are those who have been re-imagining the world, and engaging prototypes of communities, technologies, etc that include the well being of the whole. There are indigenous peoples who have the traditional ecological knowledge to support this new path. Who do we have to become to choose a beautiful future? Martin puts it this way, If the modern world is to start maintaining things, it will have to redefine itself. A new culture will have to develop, in which neither humans and their inventions nor God is at the center of the universe. What should be at the center is a hollow place, an empty place where both God and humans can sing and weep together.

This seems a good place to start. In the space in between, that hollow empty place, the liminal, betwixt and between. And not to fill it with stuff, with attempts at self soothing, with food that makes us sick rather than nourishes our bodies. We have grown so accustomed in this modern civilization to accept extremely poor substitutions for our real needs. Many of us do not even recognize our needs. However, I believe that in our DNA in our bones we know what we long for, what we came here for, what we are capable of, and this gap between what we know is possible, and what our lives look and feel like, causes tremendous pain and suffering. I will write a few of what a mentor, Francis Weller, calls primariy satisfactions – attuned human contact and presence, meaningful work and contributions to the whole, connection with nature, meaning and purpose, beauty, arts, connection to a larger story, connection to the sacred, a so called spiritual life – relationship to the invisible world, intimacy, sharing good food. Secondary satisfactions are the poor subsitutes – addictions, shopping, technology, zoom calls, etc. A time to take our own pause, knowing that when we do this and choose love, as a response, as a psycho-bio-immuno response, we affect the whole, we are reorienting toward relationship. We are present within the web of our lives. Humility – knowing our place. Divinity –knowing our place. Beauty – knowing who we are, what makes us and what we have the capacity to create. 

As Martha Postlewaite wrote in her poem The Clearing

“Do not try to save the whole world
or do anything grandiose.
Instead, create
a clearing
in the dense forest
of your life
and wait there
patiently,
until the song
that is your life
falls into your own cupped hands
and you recognize and greet it.
Only then will you know
how to give yourself
to this world
so worth of rescue.”

May the Gifts of This Time Be Revealed

Santa Ynez Mountains, Santa Barbara Backcountry

Greetings dear people ~

We find ourselves in very unsettling times as a global community. Times of great change, catalyzing fear, loss and uncertainty. Also a time of slowing down, turning inward, generosity, deepening gratitude for what really matters, working together and community care. No matter the origin of this virus and global response, two things are absolutely clear, our interconnectedness and our capacity and willingness to work together to affect change.

Many of us have imagined and prepared for a time such as this. Although no one could have known the form it would take, nor the timing, though it feels right given where we are as a species in the throws of climate change. We also do not know where this will take us, as the end of the story is not written. We only know we are navigating our way through the uncertainty and possibility together. Reminds me of a bumper sticker I had on an old station wagon in my 20's - "There is no way to peace, peace is the way." It matters how we are in this time of transition. The way we navigate now, sows seeds for the future we are co-creating. This is not to give us extra pressure to get it right, just a sense of our own power and capacity for change. Sometimes this looks like not doing anything, except our best to meet each moment, returning again and again to presence, watching out for the pitfalls of a mind in terror, offering grace to ourselves and each other.

I know that many are suffering now. You yourself might be facing great challenges - children at home, loss of loved ones, job insecurity, social isolation, instability of any and all sorts, activation of past traumas, separation from loved ones. Most of us are impacted in some way or another. And truth is, many have been suffering for a long time. Our earth, our human and non human relatives, have not been well for a long time. When we are ripe for change, and do not willingly enter the territory of transformation of our own accord, life has a way of taking us there on its own terms. Francis Weller, a mentor of mine, calls this a rough initiation. This is where we are now. We have been severed from the familiar, our habits and patterns are disrupted, as we are in this liminal, time out of time, threshold. Nothing remains the same on the other side of any initiation. We are forever changed by the experience. In traditional initiatory rites, sometimes the young initiate would be covered in ash to signify the death of who this person had been. After coming through the initiatory rite, the old self was considered dead, and the person is reborn into a new identity. An identity that was much wider, including more and more of the web of life. Initiation was never meant for the individual alone, as an act of of self-growth or improvement. It was and has always been a communal act, serving to return us to our place in the web of relations, indebted to the community of all beings. The threshold time, or time in between the new and old story, or identity, can be a time to pray, let go, reflect on what matters, ask for vision of how to live in right relationship, account for the impact our habits have had on ourselves, others and the planet. A time to give thanks for the things we have taken for granted, earth, water, air, fire, our families, community, sharing meals together, food and shelter, all of the aspects that make up community and village life. We might ask: Am I living in alignment? What needs to die? Change? Be seeded? What is truly most important?

Another mentor of mine, Deena Metzger, practices and teaches what she calls the No Enemy Way. This path requires healing from our past traumas, which cause us to react in fear and separation and sever our capacity for relatedness, trust and connection. The type of self interest and self preservation we are seeing all around us, and maybe within as well, is a reflection of that unmetabolized trauma. We might be seeing more clearly, the ways we unconsciously and consciously 'other', create an us and a them, and retract into fight, flight or flee. At this point in our collective journey together as humans embedded in a civilization of disconnection and domination, very few of us, if any, have escaped the ramifications of trauma, which the Hopi refer too as tsawana, meaning "a state of mind in terror." Even if simply the developmental trauma of being raised without presence or attunement in a disconnected family, community, civilization, if not more severe abuse.

Given how many of us may be experiencing fear, outrage, grief, anxiety, this time calls us to utilize and engage all the tools we have for presence, collective care, equanimity, creativity, self regulation, connection, and the capacity to show up in relationship. I have personally been doing my best to practice returning again and again to a state of presence and joy, gratitude and ease, and am very grateful for the years of practice I have engaged up until now. Time in nature, time in nature, connection with others, mostly virtual now, writing, and moving my body in ways that bring me joy and pleasure, have been nourishing and grounding.

My vision of and longing for a garden, and community in close contact, is stronger than ever. I have heard that seeds are getting sold out of places that sell seeds, as are baby chicks and bread baking flour. Out of fear, necessity or just because it is a really good idea, people are beginning to make changes that are more life giving, and that unlink us from the dependency on the corporate industrial life killing systems. Community supported agriculture is spreading, and the gift economy is gaining traction. Neighbors are checking in with each other more often, people are more aware of the most vulnerable in their communities - whether they be the elderly, undocumented workers, incarcerated folks - and taking action accordingly to care for all in the circle of kin. All of this is good news and salve for the heart.

Whatever your personal experience of this pandemic, may you know you are not alone. May the gifts of this time be revealed, may you find solace with the fear and uncertainty, and deepen the practices that help you return to presence, generosity and love. Know that you are an incredible being of beauty and intelligence carrying gifts for our world. This is the truth, breathe it in as many times a day as you need to remember who you are. We are doing this together, and this togetherness feels more important than ever. So grateful to be alive at this time with you, as we are in the process of making history. Thank you for reading and staying connected.

Please see below to know where you can find me online during this time of transition.

Weekly Events Online

Other Events Online

  • April 12 Sunday 2PM - 5PM PST Being with Grief through Insight LA Meditation Center. With Dr. Radhule Weininger and Dr. Michael Kearney.

  • April 19 Sunday 2PM - 5pm PST Tending Our Grief through Insight LA Meditation Center. With Dr. Radhule Weininger.

  • April 8 Wednesday 7PM - 8:30PM PST Solidarity and Compassion Project, with Dr. Radhule Weininger and Dr. Michael Kearney. Second Wednesday of every month.

Also including my first video shared on Facebook, with thoughts that were stirring last week. It is slowly becoming a practice for me to post videos, so as to stretch myself into more visibility, vulnerability, accountability and connection.

with wild blessings and big love, and mercy, mercy, mercy for ourselves and each other.

Alexis


Mundane Miracles, Holy Wonders & Other Tidbits


Charles Eisenstein's Article Coronation

Dawnland by the Upstander Project - FREE screening on April 21 8PM EST. Visit here for more information.

Dr Zack Bush interview, on microbiome.

MaMuse singing We Shall Be Known and also covered by Thrive East Bay Choir.

Message from White Eagle, Hopi indigenous, from March 16, 2020.

“This moment humanity is going through can be seen as a portal and as a hole. The decision to fall into the hole or go through the portal is up to you. If they repent of the problem and consume the news 24 hours a day, with little energy, nervous all the time, with pessimism, they will fall into the hole. But if you take this opportunity to look at yourself, rethink life and death, take care of yourself and others, you will cross the portal. Take care of your home, take care of your body. Connect with the middle body of your spiritual house, all this is synonymous, that is to say the same. When you are taking care of one, you are taking care of everything else. Do not lose the spiritual dimension of this crisis, have the aspect of the eagle, which from above, sees the whole, sees more widely. There is a social demand in this crisis, but there is also a spiritual demand. The two go hand in hand. Without the social dimension, we fall into fanaticism. But without the spiritual dimension, we fall into pessimism and lack of meaning. You were prepared to go through this crisis. Take your toolbox and use all the tools at your disposal.

Learn about resistance with indigenous and African peoples: we have always been and continue to be exterminated. But we still haven’t stopped singing, dancing, lighting a fire and having fun. Don’t feel guilty about being happy during this difficult time. You don’t help at all by being sad and without energy. It helps if good things emanate from the Universe now. It is through joy that one resists. Also, when the storm passes, you will be very important in the reconstruction of this new world. You need to be well and strong. And, for that, there is no other way than to maintain a beautiful, happy and bright vibration. This has nothing to do with alienation. This is a resistance strategy. In shamanism, there is a rite of passage called the quest for vision. You spend a few days alone in the forest, without water, without food, without protection. When you go through this portal, you get a new vision of the world, because you have faced your fears, your difficulties…

This is what is asked of you. Let them take advantage of this time to perform their vision seeking rituals.

What world do you want to build for yourself? For now, this is what you can do: serenity in the storm. Calm down and pray. Everyday. Establish a routine to meet the sacred every day. Good things emanate, what you emanate now is the most important thing. And sing, dance, resist through art, joy, faith and love.”


A piece I wrote spontaneously on March 23, 2020, the day before I heard about the new book The Invisible Rainbow, about the history of humans complex relationship with electricity.

Tell me how much you love me, she said? 

What more will it take? I have given you everything. 

She remembered somewhere deep in her bones, that feeling of love. Of being cherished. 

And on that day, she swore, she would never ever lie. 

Why lie, you might ask? 

Because the earth does not lie. 

Everything is just as it is, precisely itself. 

This is the truth of it, and the beauty of it.  

And the nature of nature. 

Although she knew she could never lie, she also did not know how to tell the truth. So she did not speak. 

She got quiet, and small. Much too small for her size. 

Though in her muteness, she learned to listen. 

She listened to the water, the soil, the plants, the animals, the dreams, the heron, salamander, bear, black phoebe. And in the listening, she was returned to herself. She was remembered, in relation to all of the other voices, the songs of all of the beings of all of the world. 

She loved to sing, songs of praise and mourning. Because she loved the world. It belonged her holy. 

Tears took a while to loosen, from her dry eyes, as they had been so long, tucked inside, invisible. 

She did not lie, but she could not tell the truth. 

Until she could. Until she could not not tell the truth. 

Until it was all she could do. 

It was what she was made for. 

Truth and beauty. 

Today, the rainbow lit up the eastern sky at dusk. 

Was there ever such a thing? 

We needed a rainbow, he said. 

And it was given. Same as it ever was. 

Same as it ever was. 

This is the truth of it, and the beauty of it. 

Tell me again, the story of the rainbow.

~Alexis Slutzky

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing.”

~Helen Keller, 1957