It has been a most devastating time for our town and local area, first the fires and then the heartbreaking tragedies surrounding the mudslides. We find ourselves at the mercy of the power of the elements and forces of nature - fire and air, water and earth. Some of us have experienced acute trauma and unbearable loss and others have experienced secondary trauma and grief. We have all been affected. Grief is a given, and many of us have been stricken.
Certainly one of the deepest griefs in a human life is the loss of a loved one, taken too early, and particularly the loss of one’s children. Some people in our community have been brought to their knees with the magnitude of this loss. Many have lost their homes and belongings. Others are displaced and have lost jobs. Most of us have experienced the loss of safety, predictability and certainty. Many are grieving the state of the world, the environment and our relationship to the natural world as a larger context for this tragedy. Furthermore, in times of such pain, often other unrelated and untended griefs may come to the surface. Some people are suffering in all these areas at once. The last weeks have required many of us to stretch beyond our imagination and certainly beyond our capacity. How does the heart bear such things? How do we bear the unbearable?
Perhaps it can be useful to look at our recent experiences through the lens of Intiation.
It is understood that there are three phases to an initiation. First, the call or severance, in which we leave behind the familiar life we have known entering a period of unknown and exile; then, the ordeal or threshold, where we face great challenges and many obstacles, often with the uncertainty of making it through; finally, the return or incorporation, where we come home to our people and community, and integrate our experiences by living out in our daily lives what we have learned. Initiations call us into new ways of being and are the seeds of a new beginning. We can either enter into initiation willingly with intention, or we are taken there by life's circumstances. Most traditional cultures have means of honoring and marking the transition from one phase of life to another - birth, adulthood, marriage, death – through community rites and rituals. These practices have been mostly forgotten in modern culture.
For some time now, modern culture has been in a state of upheaval. We suffer from disconnection on every level. From ourselves and our bodies - people are anxious, depressed and lonely, cancer and other illnesses are rampant, and we don't trust our intuition; each other - we have lost a sense of trust and intimacy with our neighbors and communities and violence and social unrest is on the rise; sacred work - very few people have a sense of meaning and purpose in their work; nature - many folks no longer have relationships with the natural world and non-human beings. Our culture itself may be considered to be in a time of initiation. A threshold where the symptoms of dis-ease and trouble are everywhere. The way we live - unbridled taking from the natural world and the future generations - in one of the most advanced cultures technologically, is exacting its toll on every facet of life. No one is exempt. The old systems are no longer working, new ways, although happening in many places, are still small tributaries and not yet mainstream. Many of us know that another way is possible. As much as we see signs of the malaise, we are also witnessing great acts of redemption, beauty and kinship.
The acute time of crisis, action and response to immediate needs has subsided - rescue workers and first responders working tirelessly to provide direct relief, find missing people, heal the injured, feed and shelter the homeless, tend the mourners. We are now only just through the acuteness of the ordeal, and some are still living with uncertain and heartbreaking consequences every day. One of the important lessons learned from folks who experienced devastating losses due to the fires in Sonoma County, is not to rush too quickly into the mode of recovery and in so doing, leave behind parts of ourselves and our communities that might still feel helpless, weak, scared, outraged. Sometimes, a focus on staying strong and muscling through, can feel harmful, even violent, to the soul. As the circling orbit of the earth around the sun takes us predictably to a new morning, and we make our way from one day to the next, and the days turn into weeks, and weeks into months, and the acuteness of the situation has dissipated and our collective field has stabilized, our attention and energy are needed in different arenas. We are called to new purpose in a time of incorporation - the slow and steady repair of infrastructure, homes, connections, and the soul, in the knowing of how deeply we belong to each other and this place. There has been an incredible outpouring of communal response - community members offering help, support, donations, services, goods, gatherings. It is heartening to experience the many ways people have come together to serve a common purpose and take care of each other. Let us continue to create opportunities to be with each other and not skip over the necessary bearing witness, listening, sharing stories, grieving, gratitude.
At a gathering to honor and tend our grief after the fire, a man spoke bravely about his fear that after all we have been through together, with the consequent shifting of priorities to what really matters, we would simply return to ‘normal’, and forget what is truly important and the deep sense of communion that had been established in our community. Then came the floods, lest we forget. Not that it is the intention of these natural disasters to bring us together in shared purpose and mutuality of support, but it is often the result. If you have come through something so direct as losing loved ones and home, and feel the necessity of neighbors and friends to help dig you out of the mud, both literally and figuratively, you know in your bones, what is truly of value and that we need each other.
Montecito is one of the most expensive real estate areas in the world, a beautiful and much sought after place to live, drawing people with great means and resources. Although we know that everyone suffers and no one is exempt from loss and sorrow, and also that folks on the full spectrum of the socio-economic scale call Montecito home, most often tragedies connected to the global climate crisis have visited people in poor and marginalized communities. Knowing that even those of us who seem to have the privilege of wealth, which may afford the possibility of shielding and insulating against some of the rougher edges of the world, are not protected from the troubles of these times offers a poignant awakening.
The idea of recovery carries a sense of returning to a previous state of being, but if we have truly allowed ourselves to be undone by what has occurred, it is not possible to return to life as we have known it, as what has come before is gone. This is the way of initiation. When we return, our life gives us the opportunity to live into our new incarnation, moment by moment. We do not recover, so much as we are forever changed, and by the grace of god, and with help from each other and life affirming practices, find a way to bear the unbearable and live with things as they are as open – heartedly as possible. We open and uncover our hearts, and god-willing, cover them less each day, to live with grief, not as an emotional state to get over or through, but as a natural and essential part of this human experience. In the Tzutzil Mayan language, the same word is used for griefand gratitude, because we grieve what we love so much, and our love for everything in this world contains our inevitable loss.
People speak of finding the new normal, which on the surface, implies that we cannot return to the way things were. However, the word normal also confines us to a narrow range of acceptability, which might be part of our trouble. What if we banished the idea of normal altogether and got to the real work of honoring diversity, taking care of each other, the earth and ourselves? I hear others speak the prayer, 'please do not let us/me return to normal/business as usual'. We have a desire to know that our suffering holds redemption. The word redemption, at its root, is about changing our minds. To be redeemed is to have a change of heart and be transformed, aligned with our true belonging in grace. Although we would never wish suffering on anyone, it is a fact of life, and often serves as a gateway to our growth and evolution, personally and collectively. And though this is for each person to understand for themselves as they wrestle with the the journey of coming home, crises are poignant opportunities for awakening and change, if we allow ourselves to be transformed.
Helpful Reminders & Practices
It is important to keep ourselves well tended in times of stress. Of course there are the basics of getting plenty of rest, eating good food, staying hydrated, sharing loving company, being of service to others and exercising the body. Here are some additional reminders:
Honor yourself - There is no prescription or right way to grieve or heal. It is different for each person. Honor yourself and your way, as well as honoring others. Allow yourself to feel what you feel and how you feel it. It is natural to experience a mix of emotions: grief, shock, anger, gratitude, hopelessness, fear, despair, rage. As long as you do not cause harm to yourself or another by acting on your feelings, let yourself feel what you feel. In this culture of heroism, we are conditioned to stay strong and carry on, pushing down feelings associated with weakness, vulnerability or being too much. There is also a tendency to focus exclusively on the light, without acknowledging what might live in the dark. Welcome all the feelings.
Compassion – We are all doing our best. Have mercy on yourselves and each other. Know that during times of stress often our less than positive coping strategies emerge. Give yourself a break. Give the same break to others.
Connect with others – We are social animals. Do not try to do this alone. Grief is communal. Most of us are conditioned to isolate under times of stress and may even pride ourselves on not needing anyone. We need each other. Grief requires containment and release, and by ourselves we cannot simultaneously do both sufficiently. Reach out. Sharing about a traumatic experience with someone who is present and loving, helps reduce the amount of trauma that remains in our systems. There are many opportunities to come together. Be brave.
Be in nature – Spend time outside in the company of non-human beings. I know it is more difficult right now as the hills are denuded, many trails are closed, and the ocean water may still be unsafe. Yet it is always possible to find a tree, a rock, park, or place near your home. Focus your attention outward. Allow yourself to feel held by the larger web of the universe; take in the natural rhythms of the day, the wind, sky, sun, plants, critters. Acknowledge the elements. Thank the water before a drink, fire when lighting a candle, wind when breathing, the earth before a meal.
Gratitude – Grief and gratitude are two sides of the same coin, two wings of a bird. They are related and one does not exist without the other. Both are practices and skills we can cultivate over time. There is always something for which to be grateful. Give thanks for your blessings and what you have. If this feels like too much of a stretch right now, return to self-compassion and honoring where you are.
Kindness – Extend it everywhere. People are suffering. We don’t know the extent of it. Some have loss upon loss, trauma upon trauma. Kindness is medicine for the giver and receiver. This is our natural state as humans. We are wired for empathy. Be kind to yourself and each other, as a practice, always. This does not mean condoning or sitting back while unjust things are being done, but leading with kindness and the benefit of the doubt with everyone we meet.
Mutuality/Service - Do something for others, for someone who needs it, for anyone. Provide nurture and care. There will continue to be much to do on the road of healing and repair, find ways that work for you. Service is about being connected in our humanity. We all rotate between being the givers and the receivers. Remember to receive. It makes the giving possible.
Art/Creativity – Make art. Write. Find creative ways to give expression to what is inside you. Anything counts. We are born from creativity, into creativity. Share it.
Beauty – The soul loves beauty. Find it, celebrate it, create it, honor it. The world is made of beauty. Beauty making is the medicine the world needs, from your unique perspective. This does not have to be pretty, but real.
Music - What a blessing that we humans have the capacity to create music. Make music. Listen to music that feeds your soul.
Take a pause – Even if you are busy tending the tasks at hand, remember to pause. Take a breath, feel your feet on the earth. We are a culture of action, and that is necessary. However, a sense of urgency is part of our disease and both a cause and a symptom of our troubles. It is a radical act to slow down; even for just a moment, take a pause and register present moment awareness.
Remember the mundane – Tend to those tasks. Feels good to get stuff done. Be careful not to over do it.
Contact with mystery – Whatever you call it – god, spirit, love, force, energy, consciousness - it doesn't matter, but call it.
Check out – Give yourself permission to check out in a way that is not self-destructive - watch a movie, play a game, read a book. It can feel good to get your mind off reality for a moment. It is our cultural inheritance to numb ourselves against uncomfortable feelings; we do this with any number of things - drugs, sex, shopping, eating, etc. In this time, I am sure many of us have found ourselves tempted by, if not at the mercy of, our numbing strategies of choice. If this is so for you, forgive yourself and have compassion.
Professional support – There are many healing practitioners in our community as well as resources for working with trauma and loss. Seek them out.
My heart goes out to those still in the midst of such unbearable suffering. May we find the courage to bear the unbearable, together.
In love,
Alexis